


I'll never love again

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, JUST PURE PAIN, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27847526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jan wasgonegone, and Gigi was far from being prepared to deal with the full scope of what that meant.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Jan Sport
Kudos: 10





	I'll never love again

As they drove down the gravel road, Gigi felt like she was going to throw up. Her whole body felt plagued by anxiety, a rising sense of dread building from within. Something didn't seem right, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it. 

But as they reached the abandoned warehouse they had determined to be Jan's hiding spot, Gigi knew why something seemed off.

Half a dozen cop cars surrounded the building, blue and red lights flashing through the soft sprinkling rain. The scene sent a chill down her spine, causing her to immediately tense up. She could hear Jackie suck in a shocked breath from up from, Jaida mumbling something under her breath as she pulled the car into the driveway of the warehouse.

Not waiting for Jaida to turn the vehicle off, Gigi threw open the door and hopped out the moment it came to a stop. She could faintly hear her new found friends calling out to her, but everything sounded distant, drowned out by the pounding of her heart as blood rushed to her head. 

There had to be a logical reason for this. Maybe Jan's parents had figured out where she was and sent the cops to bring her home safely? But something in Gigi's gut told her that was far too good a possibility to be true.

She wrapped her arms around herself as she approached one of the officers, a taller man who radiated authority in a way that terrified Gigi. Pushing her fear aside, she cleared her throat to get his attention, trying to peer around his shoulder as he turned to face her.

"You shouldn't be here, young lady," the man spoke, his words inciting a rage inside of Gigi.

"I'm looking for my friend," she replied, ignoring his previous statement. A part of her winced at having to call Jan a friend, when the girl was so,  _ so  _ much more than just a friend. But now wasn't the time for sappy confessions of love. She needed to know if Jan was okay, and she needed to know immediately. "Jan Mantione, our friends and I think she's in that warehouse."

She could see the shift in the officer's face, the way his expression softened and fell simultaneously, like a punch right to Gigi's stomach. She felt a hand on her shoulder, presumably Nicky's, which she shrugged off without breaking eye contact with the officer.

"Is she in there? We have to bring her home, she's been missing for weeks and -"

Gigi was cut off by the sound of another officer calling out about needing an ambulance, and she felt her heart drop straight to the ground.  _ No, this wasn't happening _ . She didn't say anything else to the officer, just tried to push around him to weave through the cluster of cars. Her efforts were met by hands trying to hold her back, distorted voices of her friends calling her name yet again as everything seemed to move by in slow motion. 

Gigi didn't make it past the officer, but she got far enough around him to see her worst nightmare come to life.

Just through the clearing, she could see Jan laying face down at the entrance of the warehouse, bright purple hair matted and muddied. A group of officers was huddled around the girl, one of them holding her arm as they tried to check for a pulse on her wrist.

"Don't touch her!" Gigi shrieked, fighting against the arms holding her back with all her strength. She managed to break free for a moment, darting forward a couple yards, before she felt Nicky wrap both arms around her and hold her back. "Don't fucking touch her! Let me go, I have to wake her up!"

"Gigi, stop. We have to go," Nicky replied. Something about the way her voice cracked while saying Gigi's name tore her heart in half, but the scene before her smashed those halves into a thousand pieces each. 

"No," Gigi spat in response, tears stinging at her eyes as they began to streak down her face, hot and heavy. " _ I have to wake her up.  _ Let me go, Nicky!"

But Nicky's grip on Gigi only tightened as the officers closed ranks around Jan's body, and all the brunette could hear was a female officer saying they should call it. 

And that was when Gigi knew.

She stopped struggling against Nicky's grip, instead freezing in place momentarily before her body was overtaken by pain and heartache. She let out the most pathetic wail she had ever heard as she began to sob, her body slumping against Nicky's for support as she grabbed onto the fabric of the redhead's brightly colored Hawaiian shirt. It seemed far too bright for the moment at hand, but Gigi didn't have time to focus on that for more than a fleeting second. The words  _ we should call it _ ringing in her ears, she shook her head in denial.

This wasn't happening. This  _ couldn't  _ be happening.  _ This was a mistake, Jan was still alive, that wasn't her body in front of the warehouse, it was all some twisted joke or a nightmare _ . The excuses multiplied inside her mind with each passing second, but all of them disappeared the moment another female officer covered Jan's body with a white sheet from the back of her cop car.

Gigi felt herself collapse within Nicky's arms, sinking down to her knees in the gravel as Jackie and Jaida joined them at last, both wrapping their arms around her. Whether they were trying to comfort her or themselves was unclear, but it didn't matter. Gigi didn't think anyone could truly comfort her in that moment, unless Jan were to magically spring upright and run right into Gigi's arms.

Part of her hoped that would happen, that she'd experience some kind of miracle, but as the seconds dragged by her disillusioned hope waned until she was left facing the cold, harsh reality of the situation they were in.

They had just driven nearly 600 miles across the country, only for Gigi to see the love of her life dead and alone.

She knew then that she would forever be haunted by the sight of Jan's lifeless body, guilt already plaguing her. If they had gotten to Jan sooner, maybe things would be different. Maybe she would still be alive. 

Maybe they would still have a chance at happily ever after.

But in that moment, Gigi didn't think she would ever get her happily ever after. If it wasn't with Jan, she didn't want it, she decided.

She would never love anyone else the way she had loved Jan, even as much as she wished her love for the purple-haired girl would die outside that warehouse with the girl's corpse. 

"I n-never got to say goodbye…"

"Neither did we, Geeg," Jackie whispered through shaky breaths. "Neither did we."

* * *

They took their time driving home.

Three days spent driving in silence, taking turns navigating the long stretches of highway in between cheap motels where they rested their heads at night. None of them spoke about what they saw or what happened. In fact, none of them spoke about much at all.

The only thing they discussed was who's turn it was to drive, and where they would stop for food. Each time it should have been Gigi's turn to drive, however, one of the others grabbed the keys before she had the chance to get behind the wheel. The pity in their eyes each time said it all.

She was a risk behind the wheel. She wasn't stable enough to drive.

And she didn't blame them for thinking as much. If she was being honest, just the thought of having to drive back home, back to her normal everyday life that would never be normal again, made her want to break down into another sobbing mess. So instead she resigned herself to occupying the same spot in the back seat for the 600 mile drive home. Her head resting against the window the whole time, she stared out at trees and cars and cityscapes without saying a word to her companions the entire drive home.

By the time they pulled into Gigi's driveway 3 days later, Gigi felt numb. Not even the sight of Jan's bright yellow house next to her own light blue one made her feel anything, her body completely and utterly drained of all emotions.

As Jackie turned off the engine of Gigi's car, Gigi could see her parents peering through the blinds in the front window. Seconds later the front door had been thrown open, and her parents were dashing down the steps towards the car.

_ They knew. She could tell _ .

She didn't need to say anything, someone else clearly already had. Probably Jaida, she presumed. She vaguely recalled the brunette making a call outside some diner they had stopped at, abruptly ending the call when Gigi walked outside for some air. She must have called Gigi's parents then, Gigi decided.

She wasn't sure if she was thankful or resentful of Jaida for that.

Climbing out from the backseat of her car, Gigi was quickly swept up into the arms of her parents, who clung to her as if they had feared she would be returning home in a coffin too.

If she could have swapped spots with Jan, she would have. But there was nothing she could do to bring the other girl back, the fact weighing heavily on Gigi as she slowly pulled herself out of her parents' arms and shuffled inside, heading straight for her bedroom.

The room was a disaster when she entered it, just as it was when she had left it days ago. Papers and books were strewn across the floor, clothes in piles around the room. She pushed a small pile of shirts off her bed, then collapsed on top of her mattress as she pulled her blanket over herself.

She found herself staring out her window, the one that faced Jan's old bedroom, and her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. She kept expecting the purple-haired girl to pop up in the window, gesturing for Gigi to climb through into her room as she often would when the other girl's parents weren't home.

But that would never happen again, and that was the thing that finally cracked Gigi, making her break down sobbing once again.

Jan was  _ gone  _ gone, and Gigi was far from being prepared to deal with the full scope of what that meant. 

* * *

It took two days before the coroner’s report came in, and another week before the funeral was held. But Gigi didn’t go to the funeral, not really. She  _ wanted  _ to go, but didn’t want to deal with the crowd of relatives and close friends who would inevitably ask how she knew Jan and attempt to pry into their secret relationship. She wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t ready to admit to the world just how much the other girl had meant to her.

How much she  _ still  _ meant to her.

So instead, she lingered just at the edge of the funeral, leaning against a tree far enough away from the gathering that no one would pay her much attention. She waited until the crowd dissipated, everyone getting into their cars to go home, before making her way over to the freshly dug grave, the gravestone unsettling in how clean and new it was. 

She stood there in silence for what felt like an eternity, memories replaying through her brain like some sad slideshow of the other girl’s life.  _ Thank god they didn’t show one of those, _ Gigi thought to herself. 

She could still recall Jackie’s words from earlier, the offer she had made over the phone to let Gigi give the speech about Jan at their graduation ceremony the following week. She had told the other girl she would think about it, but the idea of exposing her love for the girl they had just lost in front of their graduating class felt daunting in its intimacy. Their love had been for  _ them _ , not for anyone else. Maybe it was selfish, but Gigi didn’t  _ want  _ to share that love with the world.

But she knew that if she didn’t, no one would ever understand just how truly amazing Jan was.

There was a whole side to her that no one else ever got to see. A side that was soft and gentle in her love for Gigi, a side that showcased the purest parts of her heart. A side that Gigi was lucky to see, and was worried she would never do justice in trying to describe to the hundreds of graduating teens at their school, many of whom never even knew Jan’s name before she disappeared. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Gigi muttered at last, her eyes staring straight at the gravestone, as if speaking to it would somehow make the words reach Jan through the grave. “You fucking left me, and I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I  _ loved  _ you, wasn’t that enough?”

She shook her head, fighting back tears as her hands tightened their group around the singular rose she held. She wasn’t going to cry, not now. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry today, that today would be the end of the tears shed for the girl she once loved.

“I still love you,” she whispered, letting the rose drop onto the grave in front of her. Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, Gigi turned on her heels then, walking back to her car as quickly as she could before she started crying again. She didn’t want anyone to see her break down, didn’t want anyone lurking to catch her at her most vulnerable. Only Jan had ever been allowed to see her fully vulnerable, and that was the way she wanted to keep it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is unedited and from an unfinished wip that I never intend to finish, but I wanted to post this anyway. Sorry.


End file.
